May is Mental Health Awareness and Maternal Mental Health month, and my wish for moms is that they know that IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK.
My 4 year old took this photo of me 2 weeks postpartum. I’d fallen asleep with my head in my hands while waiting for the baby to fall asleep. I was exhausted. I was hormonal. I was depressed and anxious and overwhelmed and feeling guilty about not giving my firstborn more of my time and attention. I was trying to juggle it all and I. Was. Failing.
The very next day, I had my 2 week follow up with my OB. I had no intention of telling him that I was worried I might have postpartum depression/anxiety (again). I thought it would make me seem weak, and I desperately needed everyone to know that I had it all together. I was embarrassed and didn’t want him to know that I was a fraud. That here I was, a professional nanny, doula, and Newborn Care Specialist and I couldn’t even take care of two kids without losing my mind. So when he asked how I was handling things, I put on my happiest face, grit my teeth, and said “I’m doing GREAT!” in the peppiest voice I could muster.
Then my OB, bless his heart, said this:
“Are you sure? I know you mentioned you were worried about postpartum depression because you’d had it before. You know, it’s ok to not be ok.”
And with that, I burst into tears and confessed that I was not, in fact, doing “GREAT!”. I was crying A LOT and sad all the time. When I wasn’t sad I was angry and I was starting to have these “dark thoughts” that scared me. I felt like I was drowning. I wasn’t eating. I wasn’t sleeping. I was just barely holding it together.
We discussed a treatment plan and he sent me on my way with referrals and prescriptions and a glimmer of hope that things were going to get better. That I would start to feel better so that I could be better for my kids. I am so grateful to him, that he took the time to really SEE me. I know many women are not as lucky.
My youngest will be 3 months old tomorrow and I am starting to feel like my old self again. I feel blessed to have family and friends who insist on coming over to play with Simon so I can nap with the baby. I’m thankful for the lunch date invitations and the random check-ins. The offers to bring over a meal or a bottle of wine and just hang out for a while are sanity savers. Motherhood can be lonely. It helps to have a village. I’m so grateful for mine!
